Rules, Rule, Rules

 Nice to see you all again,

So daddy and I have been talking about rules lately and what they mean for me as a little. As a little that works not only one stressful job but two rules are a way of finding peace in the hectic world. Currently, I am working on a COVID unit at the psych hospital I work at and I also work at an old folks home. The COVID unit is scary because of the well, COVID and the home is hard because I can easily pass COVID and my boss has been very rude to me lately. For me, rules are a way of allowing my brain to shut off and do what I am told. At work, I am told to do a bunch of things but I am ridiculed for the way I do them. I know daddy would never do that to me and would be happy I am just following through. Rules also are for my own benefit so I know what I am doing is helping me in the end. Sometimes rules get in the way and ake me more tired or just make me angry but I know daddy would be proud if I at least "half-assed" (teehee bad word) my rules instead of not following them at all. 

Daddy and I finally finished up our good boy chart and will be starting that this week. I am really excited to start as now I can earn points for following my rules and being the good boy I know I am. For me, rules keep me grounded and healthy. 

When it comes to little culture rules are a huge part of being a little. When I was first finding a daddy that was one of my first questions "what kind of rules do you have?" For some, they want more rules (like me). For others, they want just  a few like "no cheating, eat well, drink water and  listen to me (CG)." Some littles don't want rules at all, but I don't find that to be the case many times. I think rules are a very important part of the little world, they keep us safe, sound, in the right mind, controlled, and active in our own lives.  They make sure we don't self-harm and take our medication. We do self-care and take care of our stuffies. Rules make little remember that we are important! 

Respect and Love,

Pannyboi41

Happy New Year -- Manga Review!

 Happy New Year!

This year has been a hard one for sure but we got through it with the help of each other and the love we have for ourselves and our stuffies :). So I was trying to come up with an idea for a blog this week and I was reading a cute manga and I wanted to review a few of the manga I love that make me either feel little or feel like fall into the little community. (sorry I suck at Japanese names so I am going to go by descriptions lol)  

-Sweetness and Lightning: I love this manga! I first saw the anime and just felt so connected to the young girl character! I also love cooking so this manga brought my two favorite coping skills together. This book is a story of a single father trying to take care of his young daughter as she grows up. They both learn many lessons through the manga, but the focus is on both of them growing together. The food comes in when the father feels like he can't cook well for her and wants to learn. He asks a student of his for help and they become great friends learning to cook together! It's a lovely story for those that want to feel little and cared for and want to learn great Japanese recipes (recipe cards included). For me, it's comfort and I learn good lessons from the fictional daddy.

-If it's for my daughter, I would even defeat a demon lord: I picked this one up randomly for cheap at the book store and I totally fell in love! This book takes place in a fictional world where demons and people live together in a world of magic. A young man comes across a young demon girl that has been force from her family for unknown reasons. He decides to take her in and care for her as his daughter. As he is an adventurer he has all the means to send her to school and buy her anything her heart desires. She also spends most of her time with the inn owner where she learns to cook and take care of the patrons who would give their lives for the little girl. I have read all the manga but I have just started the light novels which are what the mangas are based on. These are super fun for the littles that love a good adventure but still want to feel little. They also make me a little jealous I want all the sweet things she gets lol. 

-Little Devils: This one is just fun, like totally fun and kind of dumb. It's a story of a bunch of little devils that are parts of a larger devil. Each has its own power that corresponds to the body part of the main devil (like one is the tail and can use his tail to move things). they also have their own personality and friends within their little community. The fun part is their caretaker is the adventurer that took out the main devil that they broke into. His job is to make them stronger and wiser so they can take care of the underworld without trying to kill all the people on the earth. Throughout the story, you meet all sorts of Gods and angels that help along the way but mostly you run into problems like needing new clothes and washing hands before eating. It's a fun still story that just makes you feel silly and cute. I love it as a little and a big alike. 

I know there is a ton more little/caregiver
manga but here are a few that I have read and wanted to share (I also want to save a few for next time ;)). If you know of any manga that you find comforting and little please share below!!

Read and Snuggle,

Pannyboi41

A Christmas Special

 Hello, my friends,

It's been a crazy few weeks, hasn't it? From IUDs to travel to work to work to work! But it's finally holiday time actually it's Christmas Eve and sadly I have to work but I wanted to make a list of all the fun things that can be done on Christmas Eve for a little and CG alike!

• Drink hot cocoa or tea
• Watch old Christmas movies - yes the claymation ones
• Wrap gifts for others
• Make crafts and paints
• Decorate trees and rooms
• Go out and see the lights!
• Cook and eat cookies
• Write Christmas and New Years cards
• Put up lights inside
• Color Christmas pages
• Read "The Night Before Christmas"
• Put out milk and cookies for Santa
• Play in the snow or at least outside
• Finish your advent calendar (last night!)
• Decorate with paper rings!
• Make snowflakes out of paper
• Snuggle and stay warm
• Decorate stockings and fill them up with candy!
• Last-minute shopping
• Enjoy a lovely meal together 
• Follow Santa on Google 
• Eat that candy- yes you can!!!

I hope you have a lovely holiday season and a happy new year! Enjoy it with your CG, friends, or family whoever makes you happy!

Peace and Joy,

Pannyboi41

I'm Back!

 Hey There!

It's been a  while but I am back! Not only back to the blog but back to New Hampshire! I went to see my daddy in Texas and had a really good time and I am really excited to tell you all about it.

I had a really easy flight coming in. I stayed at my brother's house which is closer to the airport and my dad drove me in, he also bought me a bagel and coffee which was a nice treat before my flight. Security was easy and this one really nice TSA agent asked my age thinking I was younger than 18, it was really silly.  Once on the plane, I had the entire row to myself and the plane had free wifi, chargers, and TVs, it was super cool!

I met with my daddy and we drove to his place. I took a lovely shower with him and we rested a little. I didn't really sleep the night before because of my new medication, so it was nice to cuddle and rest with him. That night we went to one of my favorite restaurants in Texas. A small Indian place where I ate to my heart's content. 

The next day was a little crazy! We had a rehearsal dinner for my daddy's sister's wedding. He was in the wedding but I just sat around in the blazing heat trying not to melt. To make up for the heat daddy took me to the mall where I got a few new books and a cute outfit for my build a bear. Daddy also bought me these super cute anime figure keychains. At the dinner, we had some yummy food and daddy let me have a glass of wine. That night I got a little more sleep. 

The next day was the wedding. We got ready and went to the outdoor venue. I got to meet so many people that were related to my daddy that I had never met before. It was really cool and super fun to meet everyone. The only thing was even at 4:30 PM is was well over 100 degrees and over 98% humidity. I was sweating so bad and I felt really awful for being so gross at the wedding. After the ceremony we had dinner and I took care of my daddy as he was also really hot. We ate some food and talked with his family some more and enjoyed our first wedding together. 

The next few days were super relaxing! We spent them sleeping in eating my favorite foods including Mexican, french (my favorite restaurant in the entire world), Asian and American. We went to see the new   Sword Art Online movie which was surprisingly good and we went shopping a few more times in various malls. It was just an easy-going experience with my daddy. 

My daddy really shined (as usual) when I got this really bad rash/acne on my back from sweating so bad at the wedding. I was super upset about it to the point of crying in his arms. I also was upset because I had read that I could get bad acne from my IUD. My daddy brought me to the store and bought me a ton of products for my face and body to make me feel better. He also bought me more pads because I was running low. He was not embarrassed at all and was so willing to even buy me the "good" ones. 

The flight home was a bad one. Not only was my plane delayed a bunch of times, but it was so hard to say goodbye to my daddy. I cried so much saying goodbye and even cried on the plane a few times. It was just so hard. I miss him every day. What really hit me hard was he called me a particular pet name that just shot right to my heart. 

But it got worse...when my dad came to pick me up from the airport he was acting kind of weird. Once we were in the car he turned to me and said he couldn't hold it in any longer. He said my fish that he had been taking care of had died. I bawled my eyes out. I just sat there and cried as my dad held me and cried with me. He was so upset that the fist had died in his care. I miss my Joy so much. 

Sorry for the mess of a story,

I miss you Joy and Daddy,

Pannyboi41

Something Scary!

 Hello my friends,

This might be NSFW - talk of IUD insertion (this may make some people uncomfortable) 

So I wanted to talk about something that happened recently its really not a little/ddlb thing but I find this a safe space where I can talk about what is going on in my life. Yesterday I had to get and IUD inserted. I made the choice to do it because I will be starting hormones soon and I wanted to make sure I don't get pregnant, it's also safer for my body. These IUDs also don't put a lot of the female hormones in my body compared to other methods of BC. My daddy and I use other protection too but we find this to be that safety option and will protect us, me and allow me to transition. 

Here is the scary part. I scheduled the appointment and I had heard that it was going to hurt but I didn't think much of it. It was about a month after I had planned the appointment that I had the procedure. Throughout the month I was always looking at Reddit and other forums about getting the IUD. This made me so scared - some people pass out! 

So the night before the insertion I had to put these weird pills inside of myself. They made me have contractions so my body would be ready for the placement. I had to take on the night before it is made it really hard to sleep. I also had my COVID booster so I was double sick. It was really hard to sleep but I got through it. 

The morning of I used the medication again. I also had to work most of the day. It was hard getting through it with some of the worst cramps I have ever had in my life plus I was bleeding  a bit. But I got through it and 1 hour before the appointment I took Advil to help with the pain. 

I got to the office and a really nice older nurse came in to help me get ready. She asked me a bunch of questions that were pretty basic for a doctors visit and I had to do a pregnancy test. When I came back with the test the nurse brought in a huge I mean HUGE needle. It had to be like afoot long. I tried not to look but it was hard not to notice. The nurse apologized and told me she was going to get it on the tray before I came in but I was too quick. She then said that I wouldn't even feel it. I laughed and said "that's what they all say". She gave me a sheet and had me undress from the waist down. I sat on the table on the paper and a medical pad and I waited for the doctor. 

She came in and asked if I was nervous I told her I was and she said it would be okay. She asked a few more questions and then did an internal exam. That was quick and painless but then she brought out the speculum. I always hate those as I have a small body and they pinch all over. I tried to relax as the doctor did some more feeling and looking. She then cleaned my cervix with iodine. This felt really weird but nothing painful. She then told me to cough, a really good cough. The nurse stood beside me and tried to calm me down a bit. So I coughed a few times and the nurse asked if I could feel it. I said no and she smiled "I told you so," she said. So after that I didn't really know what happened besides a horrible pain when the clamp was used.  I gave out a few shouts of pain and the doctor apologized and kept working. The nurse kept telling me to take deep breaths. I tried to relax as the device was inserted inside of me. This also hurt a bit but nothing like the clamp. After that the clamp was removed and she had to cut the strings. This was funny as the first pare of scissors didn't work so she had to get  a second set. She had to be careful as dull scissors could pull everything out. 

It was finally over and she pulled all the tools out. I was bleeding a bit and she cleaned me up a a bit. The nurse and doctor told me to stay laying down with my legs up. When the IUD is inserted it causes a really bad contraction and this reduces blood pressure. So I rested there a while and slowly got up. the nurse came back and helped me get up and stand. She was really polite and even hide behind the current when I got up. I mean she saw everything so it was kind of funny to see her hide when while I was naked. So I changed and cleaned myself up. I was still bleeding a little so I used a pad to keep clean. 

I was finally done! It wasn't the worse thing in the world, but it hurt for sure. The scariest part was my daddy wasn't there to hold my hand. If he was there I wouldn't feel anything and feel protected and safe. I mean the nurse did a great job at keeping me calm and the doctor was amazing (as she usually is with me even calling me my preferred name and is very good with my body and my dysphonia). I did text my daddy to tell him it was done and he was so proud of me. I was so scared before and I texted him right until I had it done. He made me feel so good about getting it done and how it will make out life better. 

Once home I spent the night in bed as I was cramping a lot and the doctor told me to spend the night watching Netflix and relaxing. So it was all over!

So this was a weird experience to me. It wasn't even that dysphonic, I thought it was going to be terrible but my doctor was so good and just made me feel so comfortable and safe. 

Sooooo on a totally different note... I get to see my daddy!!! I am flying to see this Thursday!! I can't wait and I will tell you all about it once I get back next Thursday. The nice thing is daddy gets to take care of me because I am still feeling yucky from the IUD and he said he would buy me something special for being such a  brave boy.

Until next time,

Safe and Protected,

Pannyboi41

 

Way to Show Affection

 UwU Hi There,

I hope you are all doing well, happy trans awareness week! I was having a hard time coming up with an idea for a blog but as always my daddy was here to help! He thought a blog on affection would be a good idea as we are going to be seeing each other in less than two weeks!

• gift-giving - this is always a good one when you are in LDR it's a way for your CG or L to know they are being thought of
• letters and cards - sending a sweet message is a great way of showing someone you love them while keeping the price down
• hugs - some people love them some don't but they are a lovely way of showing love in a way that isn't sexual
• kisses - the best to me! I love being kissed and I find it such a cute way of showing affection! I don't mean just lips kisses but head kisses and hand kisses
• touching - not in a naughty way but a hand on the back or holding hands really can convey the love you have for someone
• taking care - this is a basic one! Taking care of your CG or your little is the best way of showing love! Reminding them to eat or having to punish them is the most basic way of spreading love in a CGL relationship
• cuddling and snuggling - keep cozy and warm together showing how much you want to be close
• doing chores - more for littles but keeping up with your chores shows you respect your CG
• words of love - saying sweet things can really improve someone's mood and make them feel like you really care
• spending time - it can be hard to spend time with each other in an LDR but even taking the time to send a text or to call for a few minutes can really show your affection

As some of you may have noticed I used love languages to write some of this - some hold belief
in it and others don't I think they are real and I think they can really help people better understand their partner. Take a quiz and see if it shows you more about how you love and how you like to be loved.

Hugs and Cuddles,

Pannyboi41

Some Updates

 Hello, my lovelies,

I really didn't have an idea for this week but some big life stuff just happened so I wanted to share!

So I am getting a second job! I know what you are thinking "when are you going to have time to be little and to write your blog?!" Well, I will still have time I promise! I am not going anywhere! There may be some breaks here and there when I need some time to myself and the blogs may come out on different days but I promise I'll do my best for you all. Also, the job only goes to about 7:30 PM and it starts right after my other job ends. I am doing this for a few reasons: 1) I have been having a hard time mentally and keeping busy helps 2) I have more medical expenses than I originally thought so I could use some extra money to pay for that 3) I enjoy working! Yes you read that right I enjoy spending time with others and helping which is what I can do at this second job (I will be working in dietary in a facility) 

The next big news is I am going to be starting T again soon! I finally got up the nerve and had a good talk with my daddy and we decided a low dose of T will help with my dysphoria. I made the appointment today with the LGBT+ clinic in town and will have my first appointment in December. I am excited but still really nervous because I had some trouble with my parents and acceptance in the past -- the reason I had to stop originally. Also, I have to hide it from my daddy's parents as they are really not accepting of me being trans (hence the low dose - easier to hide the changes). So exciting also scary and the last time I was on it we had to mess with the dose a lot because I was having side effects but because I know now I should have an easier time.  And I went to the store to buy some pants for my job and I found a book about trans identities and it was written by an emby person that was AFAB. I felt so right about making the choice to start T. It felt like a god-sent like I just happened to call the clinic today and I happened to find the book while I was out shopping for pants for my new job -- so many coincidences! I had to buy the book :)

I will be seeing my daddy soon! So in about a month I will be boarding a plane and heading to see my daddy for his sister's wedding. I am so excited to go to a wedding with him as I have never been to a wedding with a date before. It should be really fun and it will be nice to show off a little. The only downside is I have to wear a dress :(.

So that seems to be the big update, sorry for the lame post but I wanted to share my good news and hopefully brighten your day a little just knowing a trans little is doing good.

Rainbows and Lovebugs,

Pannyboi41 

A Little Halloween!

 BOO!

Sorry to scare you! As Halloween (and my birthday) come closer I was thinking of writing a little bit on one of those holidays that people seem to really love. 

Candy-

Besides following the rules your CG has for you don't eat too much candy at once. This will cause bad tummy aches, sometimes acne, and you won't have any candy left for the next day!

Costumes-

As a little that love dressing up, this is my favorite part of the holiday! This year I have three costumes (which are also my cosplays for Anime Con) I'm going as Johnny Joestar (my favorite Jojo), lolita, and Ame from Wolf Children. I love dressing up and wearing things that I normally don't. As a trans-boi it makes me feel more like myself and showcase the real me.

Scary stuff-

I do not love this part. I have such a weird relationship with scary stuff.  I have been watching 'how to beat the Saw movie traps' this is even a little too much for me it makes me paranoid. If you like it and your CG lets you watch enjoy, for me, I'm sticking to little shows with Halloween themes.

Trick or Treating-

I hate how it looked down on -- like why can't an adult get some free candy? For me, I can pass as a small person if you can't buy some candy and enjoy with your CG.

Parties- 

Parties are usually a good time. For me I can't stay very long I get overwhelmed and a little overstimulated, other times I get introspective and sad. Anyway go and enjoy but don't eat too many treats -- no tummy aches. And be careful with alcohol.
 

I hope you have a happy holiday and get to spend some time enjoying it. Even if that means spending time in your pj's watching Dora with a little candy corn and maybe some warm apple cider. Whatever you do be safe and have fun!

Spooks and Spice,

Pannyboi41

Surviving A Job

 Welcome!

My little friends and CGs I have been having a really hard time at my new job. It's been super boring and I feel like I don't do much during the day. But my daddy has had a good idea to talk about the way in which a little can survive their workday. 

• ESstuffie - keep a small stuffed toy with you, when you need a hug give it a squeeze
• drink from cute bottles - there are many cute cups and bottles to drink from that can pass for an adult bottle
• eat little snacks - eating throughout the day is good to pack little snacks like cheese sticks and cut up fruit
• if you work at a desk, coloring stuff - sometimes there is a lull at work bring some coloring or activities to do at your desk
• wear cute socks - I love wearing little socks while at work, it makes me feel little without anyone noticing 
• if you have a smartwatch put cute backgrounds on it
• if you have a computer use cute wallpapers
• decorate your work bag to be a little more little freindly
• take walks where you can be your little self - at my lunchtime, I take walks and allow myself to decompress and feel little. I play games on my phone or skip around where no one can see 
• put cute toys on your desk - these are pretty normal so no one will ask
• bring a big sweater - I have a super comfy sweater at work that I snuggle in when in need of a hug
• Journal - another great downtime idea
• if you don't have a desk decorate your items like receipt book or notebook

Just a few ideas to make work a little more little. Just make sure you are safe and are having fun that is what being a little is all about!!

Playtime and Worktime,

Pannyobi41

Little Pets

 Hello,

Little and bigs alike love small cute animals and new friends so why not learn a little about having a little pet. As a LDR little myself that is living in an apartment having a pet can be a bit of a challenge BUT I have made it work and I'll tell you about it here:

Fishy

Because I live in an apartment I am not allowed to have pets :( but I am allowed to have a pet fish! So I got out my old fish tank from a few years ago and filled it with clean water and decorations. My water at home has chlorine in it so I had to buy chemicals to make it safe for my new friend. Once the tank was all set up I went to the pet shop and picked out a little red betta fish. She was only a few dollars and I picked her because I never had a female or red betta fish. She was also super active in her cup. Picking a fish was so challenging for me I wanted them all. Good thing I had daddy to help me make a good choice. With my new fishy friend, I learned about feeding, water temperature, and cleaning. I have had fish in the past but in a new environment, I had to work my way around the new place.  So far so good for me and my little Joy-girl. 

Anyway, that is my story of a little pet. Fish are a great start as they are easy to take care of even if you get a full tank with a filter, heater, and bubble bar. It's also fun picking out toys and fishy friends. Maybe one day ill get another female fish to add to my tank. Once a little learn about the responsibility of taking care of a fish a small pet may be a good move forward. This could be a rodent or reptile. Both are great fun and fun to take care of. After the small pet may be a cat, once again more responsibility but they can take care of themselves (bathroom, cleaning, etc.) Lastly a large pet like a dog. These are a lot to take care of and need a lot of attention. For me even if I could have a bigger pet I would stick with the fish as I can easily take care of them (no matter how responsible I am). 

If pets are completely off the table I would recommend a plant. Plants are great fun and you can learn a lot about your new plant friend and the best way to take care of them. It gives some responsibility without the fear of a pet. It's also nice because plants not need much in the way of attention, so vacations are great!

Where ever you start and whatever pet/plant you get having some responsibility is great for a little and gives them something to care about, just like you care for them. 

Fishies and Smiles,

Pannyboi41

A New Plan

 Heddo!!

My sweet littles and bigs I want to welcome you again to my blog, I hope you are having fun!

So daddy and I have been talking and we feel we have hit another rut SOOOO we decided to make being an LDR CGL couple more fun and exciting. 

Daddy had the idea of giving good boy points for different things that this little one does every day/week. These points will add up to allow me to get different gifts.

some of the points:

-exercising for 1 hour = 1

-eating a healthy meal = 1

-getting through work with a good attitude = 3

-food shopping for only healthy food = 1

-clean Joy's fish tank = 2

-clean my apartment = 2

-no self-harm = 1

-going to therapy = 1

-drinking enough water = 1 

-doing dishes = 1

-finishing my weight medication = 2

-taking all my meds on time = 1

-go to doctors appointments = 1

Ways to lose points:

-self-harming = -2

-not taking meds on time = -1

-eating candy/junk food = -1

-being pouty/bratty = -1

-not listening to daddy/CG = -2

-not fallowing the rules laid out or given = from -1 to -5

Gifts (no particular order):

-new small toy

-going to the book store

-going to build-a-bear

-new little item 

-new onesie

-new big toy

-new coloring or activity book

-special fish item for Joy

-daddy reads you a story before bed

-daddy sends you a card (with love)

-new stuffy 

-daddy makes a loving video for you to always have

-doki doki/ other Japan create

-candy/special dessert

-special "playtime"

The cute thing with this is we are using a cute thermometer to color in (and white-out if I lose points). 

So I just thought I would share this cute new thing we are doing, feel free to add your own thoughts!

All you need is...CANDY! 

Pannboi41

 

Cute Little Names

 Hi again,

So I know last week was a very heavy post but I am doing a tiny bit better, so I wanted to do something cute and light this week. 

My daddy thought it would be cute to make meaning to little names, here we go!

• little one - perfect for everyone! It makes a little melt
• prince/princess/princx - super cute and great when the little is being fussy remind them they are royalty but you are the king/queen
• puppy/kitty - fun if your little is into pup/kit play 
• _____ (insert animal here) - my daddy calls me his otter and I love it more than anything 
• little _______ (insert almost anything here) - he calls me his little pannycake and I find it adorable almost anything is cute if you add little in front of it
• brat - some littles love it others hate it, it can definitely get the attention of your little one and remind them of their place
• snuggle bug - for those moments when you are feeling cuddly 
• flower - even for little boys make sure they know they are beautiful in their own way
• Mr./Ms./Mx. - a great way of making your little feel special add their first name to makes it
  
  even cutier
• sunshine - they are your ray of sunshine after all
• love - remind them they are your love always 
• honey/bun - they are just so sweet
• cutey/pie - aren't they cute?
• smartypants - make sure they know they are super smart especially when doing a new activity

Super cute right? LOL I hope this list helps those CG come up with a few cute names to call their little one and make them feel special because they are!

Sunshine and Pannycakes,

Pannyboi41

Its been rough

TW!!!-Self Harm and Suicide 

Hi there, my friends.,

So I don't like to talk about hard things on this blog mostly because this was supposed to be something fun and enjoyable for both me and my daddy to create together. But these past 2 weeks have been really hard for me so I am going to take this time and space to talk about how I have been feeling. Please know this won't happen often but I think I really need to get some things down into words.

Two weeks ago I got a Facebook friend invite. I didn't recognize the person but I did recognize the second person in the picture. It was my old boyfriend, my first boyfriend, and my love for almost 5+ years. We were planning on getting married but we broke up because I started presenting more masculine. He stated that I needed time to "find myself". We promised to get back together and get married after both of us spent some time apart. Anyway, this girl had his last name and three children with him. They were married. That was supposed to be me. I don't think he thinks about me at all, I think about him every day. I don't do it to hurt myself it just happens. He was also my first daddy and the one to show me the CG/L community.  It was harmful to see his new wife and I ended up messaging her telling her that I think it is inappropriate for us to be friends. She stated she didn't mean to friend me and that was the end. It hurt it burned my insides and I didn't eat or do anything all day, it hurt. 

The next day I was on Reddit. I posted a question on the Catholic subreddit. In that post, I stated that I was dating a man and that I am also a man. This sent people into a tissy to the point people told me to leave the religion (I was born and raised Catholic). They said I was living in sin and should receive the holy bread and wine and that I need to stop being gay and just live by myself. They would rather me be sad and alone than with someone I love. They told me that I was wrong and that I don't deserve to be in the religion. This was the last nail in the coffin. 

I hadn't self-harmed since my grandmother was close to dying and I have never used a knife. I went to my kitchen and grabbed one of my kitchen knives. I cut my legs. I cut really deep in one spot that took a long time to heal. I cried and cried over how much I felt unloved, by my old bf, my religion, and God. I just felt like giving up and I wanted to end it all. After I cut and calmed down I cleaned myself and went to bed. 

That Thursday I had therapy and talked about what happened. He suggested holding ice or using a rubber band to stop the feelings of self-harm. I expressed that the release from self-harming was never this intense that I wanted to keep doing it. It just made me feel better - I didn't want to stop. But he talked me down and I was feeling better.

The next Sunday came and I got some bad news. I have been seeing a doctor for my weight. Ever since I got a new medication I have been gaining weight so I decided to see a doctor about it. The thing is my insurance doesn't cover my weight loss medication. That was fine because I had backup insurance that would. But I got a bill for the doctor's appointment and I had no way of figuring out why I was being charged. This caused so much anxiety because I wouldn't be able to afford the appointments and I really needed them. I tried to get over the anxiety with the help of my family but I just couldn't I ended up crying in bed for hours. I couldn't stop. I wanted to kill myself I wanted to die and be released from all the anxiety and pain. I was also dreading my next day of work as I haven't been enjoying my new job. I did the only thing that helped was that I got onto a text suicide line. I was able to be talked down after about an hour and help from the line and my boyfriend. That night before bed I took a bath but ended up scratching myself to the point of rash because I was still so pent up. I just couldn't stop myself.

It's been better but I still scratch and hurt myself a little bit here and there. Like this Monday I scratched my arm a little bit because I still felt so hurt. I have been having suicidal thoughts throughout the day but work has been keeping me busy enough to not focus on them. I also don't want to go to a hospital to get help because I would lose my job and I don't have the time to take off. 

I know this story is messed up and sad, but know I will do better and if you are suffering from self-harm or thoughts of suicide you can always talk with me. I may be going through this myself but I am a trained social worker and will not make you pay to get help when you need it. Please know there are people to talk with you and they won't send you away. If you need help reach out no one will be bothered and it's better than suffering alone. I know what it feels like to suffer alone, scared, and crying. Talk to anyone someone, even just a text line -- it's better than hurting yourself or dying. You may not feel loved but I promise you are even if it's just your pet fish or that one tree outside -- you are loved. 

Take Time for Yourself - Self Care,

Pannyboi41

Keeping a Little Healthy

Hello and Welcome!

So this week was full of a lot of ways I had to keep myself healthy so I decided to blog about it and help all those CGs care for their little to the best of their abilities. 

• make sure they go to their appointments - even though we all hate the doctor they are very important and we need to make sure those little ones are doing well physically
• share healthy food and recipes - for the little in an LDR my daddy cant make me food so he shares yummy recipes to make sure I am eating well
• make sure they get to sleep - don't keep them up too late if possible I know it can be heard with LDR but sleep is an important part of a littles health
• exercise! - even if it's just for a few minutes getting that heart rate up makes every little better
• read and learn - keep that brain working and learn something new or go to a wonderful world through a book
• go to therapy - we can all use it (yes even me!) even CGs
• journal - it's a great way of staying mentally fit and relax after a long day
• food log - I keep one and my CG loves it because he gets to see what I eat during the day and it helps me on my weight loss journey
• give treats - everyone deserves something special 
• keep their spending in check - don't be too controlling but sometimes we littles get a little stuffie crazy at the store so make sure we don't spend too much (especially for use with rent) 
• help them get spiritual -  this isn't for everyone but go to church with your little or do some Wicca magic with them whatever they get their spirituality on
• help them at work - I know it sounds hard but maybe send them cute messages throughout the day or give them a little stuffie to keep at their desk anyway to brighten the workday
• let them have friends - I know it can be hard you want that little all to yourself but having friends is really important and make sure you are a good friend and not just a CG
• make sure their environment is right - this makes a happy little, keep it safe and cozy

Taking care of a little can be hard but making sure they are happy can come from a simple text or a hug after a hard day. This list is just a short grouping of things that helps a little have the best life they can have, just remember to follow the wellness wheel.

Caring and Cuddles,

Pannyboi41

New Home

 Hi all,

So I finally moved into my new place and I'm super excited to start my new life here in a new city, in a new apartment, and a new job. So as a little living alone can be a scary thing so here is a list of ways of making a single apartment more little friendly. 

• make the room cozy and comfy - add stuffies and pillows these really help make it a little room
• dress up that room - add toys and other little gear to make sure no matter what part of the bedroom you are in you can reach for a little something
• put up little art and wall decor - I love hanging up my colorings and drawings this really makes the room feel like my own
• keep blankets in the living room -  you never know when there might be a chill or you need a place to play 
• get a big cozy chair - you may not be able to sit on your CG's lap but at least a cozy chair can keep you company
• keep little books handy - I know when my CG is working late having little books available makes going to bed easier
• make sure to have little snacks handy - now that I have my own kitchen I can fill it with little snacks and treats for when I am a good baby
• keep your little things out like movies and toys - not that you have your own space you can be free to play and watch what you like 
• showcase your tub toys and bubble bath - make the bathroom a cozy little place

I love having my own place just for the fact that I can keep all my little stuff all over the place. I hope that one day you don't have to hide your little self anymore.

Be YourSelf,

Pannyboi41

 

A Beach Day

 Hello there my friends!

Sorry for the hold-up :( I have been moving into my new apartment and it has been a crazy crazy few weeks. Anyway, I wanted to come back with a cute one so here we go - a day at the beach. 

• bring yummy food - always a great way to keep the day going! From sandwiches to fruit to even some ice cream you need to keep your energy up while playing at the beach
• freshwater - need to stay hydrated in the hot sun
• sand toys - always a fun addition to the sandy texture of the beach and great for finding little critters in the tide pools
• boogie boards - I love playing in the waves and these are a great fun way of getting into the water
• kite - I always loved those a kid! It was always the last thing I did a great way to end the day
• umbrella - keep your baby safe from the hot sun 
• blanket - a fun play area and good for naps
• towels - got to stay dry!
• cute hat - another way to keep the sun at bay 
• sunscreen - an absolute must, babies tend to burn quick
• water toys - like balls or frisbee can also be played in the sand
• flip-flops and cover-ups - other ways of staying cozy in the sun and sand

I love heading to the beach on a hot day and playing with my daddy. Hopefully, this list reminds you of the fun in the sun and surf. 

Sun and Sand,

Pannyboi41

Hobbies for Littles

 Hi there,

So I was super bored this week so I wanted to start a new hobby! I decided that I should write a list of all the great hobbies a little can do that makes them feel little and that they would enjoy on the regular. 

• collecting and reading books
• great because reading is a fun activity but you can collect old children's books and no one would suspect anything if the books are old enough
• I collect manga but many of them are children's books and no one knows
• art
• any kind doesn't matter as long as it makes you happy and if you call it art no one asks why you are playing with clay
• I love coloring and drawing weird manga like stuff
• learn a language 
• this can be really challenging but the best way to start is with children's books, activities and videos 
• I'm currently learning ASL and I'm using baby videos to learn 
• Journaling 
• little journals (I have written about these before)
• I keep mine and try to do a part at least once a month if not more
• Blogging
• super fun and can be about anything even a blog on a new hobby
• as you can see I write a blog and I love writing about being a little
• Post on Instagram 
• just be really careful there are creepy people out there
• I have an instagram that I post about myself and my blog and other writing and things I enjoy
• Write
• this can be about anything write a fan fic like I do!
• I love writing even though I am super bad at it but I am working on a novel based off a fan fic I wrote hopefully I finish it
• Learn and instrument 
• this can be harder for a little but it still can be a fun activity to keep you busy
• I am trying once again to learn the guitar I hope I get to play at least one song one day
• Find a pen pal
• great for littles that are long distance your CG can be your pen pal or find one online but be very careful
• I have one in Hawaii and she is super cool
• Learn a card game
• like MTG or Vanguard some can even be played online 
• I used to paly Magic and it was really fun

So here is a short list of some of the fun things you can do. Check out my other posts for more ideas to keep busy!

Fun and Games,

Pannyboi41

A New Thing (NSFW)

 UWU,

So before I start I need to say ask your CG before you read on its very important because this is a very naughty post. 

So while my daddy was at my house last we went to a naughty store. It was really cool they had like everything. My daddy almost bought me a puppyhood and collar but we had our eye set on one particular item daddy wanted to buy me a strap-on and a new dildo that was realistic. We found a really nice strap-on and a dildo that was 6 inches with realistic balls and shaft. It was so pretty (maybe a weird word). 

When we got home I was super excited to try it so daddy had me strip and he helped me put on the strap. Then my daddy did something really naughty. I used his mouth on me. It felt so good. I pulled his hair a little and moved my hips with his mouth. It was amazing to watch and turned me on so so much. He made these sounds that I could only describe as choking but in a super sexy way (?). It was truly nothing I have ever experienced before. I have had other partners and I have used straps with them that were realistic but for some reason, this was unlike any time before. I felt such a connection with him and I felt like the strap-on was really me. I felt like the manliest man in the world, even when I was making the most femme sounds. After some time I had to touch myself and I came the most I have in a long time. I felt like I came like a man even though I was touching my clit. Truly it was a life-changing moment I felt like a man a real man, not a trans boy wearing a strap. 

The next day we did something similar the next day and I didn't feel as manly but it still was amazing. I just it was truly something I never expected when we bought the strap-on and dildo. I knew it was going to be fun but I never realized that it could take my doughts and throw them to the side. 

Anyway...

I hope those trans and cis littles find moments that feel this good because everyone deserves this even if it's not a sexual moment, just a moment that makes you feel who you really are.  

Naughty and Boyish,

Pannyboi41

Ideas for your Journal

 Hi,

Sorry, I missed last week but I didn't have internet for a few days and I have been having a hard time lately as I had to stop therapy because they would accept my insurance anymore and I started my new job so I really don't have time to go anymore. ANYWAY, because I don't get to go to therapy anymore I decided to start journaling more. I did it a little when I was in therapy but now I am doing it once a week at least. So I wanted to create a list of topics I can write about and I thought I would share it here. 

• what are you most in love with?
• what makes you smile and laugh?
• what do you hate and what can you do to change those feelings?
• if you could write a letter to anyone who would it be and what would you say?
• who is your hero?
• what makes you a hero?
• if you could do anything for a job what would it be?
• what would you tell the void/god/universe if you could?
• what makes you feel little and big?
• thank your body for being it
• streams of thought -- just right what you think
• describe your best day
• make a list of all the things you want to do big or small
• write a letter to your childhood best friend 
• how would you take care of a puppy/cat/fish

This list is super short but I just wanted to get the wheels turning and to make you think of a few things. If you want add to this list and keep going. This is for sure something I will bring up later to be aware :3

Kindness and Caring,

Pannyboi41

Little things to do in public

 Hi there,

I was having a hard time coming up with something this week so I asked my daddy and he told me to write about little things you can do in public. I know I wrote something similar about being little in public but these are a few more things to stay in little space when there are other people around.

• play video games - so many people have switches and they are made to take with you so its a great way of playing little games in public 
• listen to little music - anything that makes you happy its easy to just put the music on where no one can see it 
• color - adults everywhere are coloring so why not be a little and color too
• munch on candy - nothing unusual here just a little enjoying their favorite candy
• watching birds and bugs - many people bird watch and it can be a great activity to enjoy in little space
• fly a kite - especially at the beach its a very normal thing to see an adult flying a kite
• use a stim toy - many people play and use these now to keep your hands busy like a fidget toy or a squish toy
• cuddle a stuffy - keep a small stuffy on your bag and give it a pet when you feel a bit little 
• drink apple juice - the best juice for a little and no one will know in a water bottle 
• read books and manga about little ones - there a ton of books that have little themes (not about ddlg/CGL) that are great and can be read in public

These are just a few things that can be done to feel little in public without being found out. Maybe add a few more if you have any ideas. 

Sweetness and Love,

Pannyboi41