Its been rough

TW!!!-Self Harm and Suicide 

Hi there, my friends.,

So I don't like to talk about hard things on this blog mostly because this was supposed to be something fun and enjoyable for both me and my daddy to create together. But these past 2 weeks have been really hard for me so I am going to take this time and space to talk about how I have been feeling. Please know this won't happen often but I think I really need to get some things down into words.

Two weeks ago I got a Facebook friend invite. I didn't recognize the person but I did recognize the second person in the picture. It was my old boyfriend, my first boyfriend, and my love for almost 5+ years. We were planning on getting married but we broke up because I started presenting more masculine. He stated that I needed time to "find myself". We promised to get back together and get married after both of us spent some time apart. Anyway, this girl had his last name and three children with him. They were married. That was supposed to be me. I don't think he thinks about me at all, I think about him every day. I don't do it to hurt myself it just happens. He was also my first daddy and the one to show me the CG/L community.  It was harmful to see his new wife and I ended up messaging her telling her that I think it is inappropriate for us to be friends. She stated she didn't mean to friend me and that was the end. It hurt it burned my insides and I didn't eat or do anything all day, it hurt. 

The next day I was on Reddit. I posted a question on the Catholic subreddit. In that post, I stated that I was dating a man and that I am also a man. This sent people into a tissy to the point people told me to leave the religion (I was born and raised Catholic). They said I was living in sin and should receive the holy bread and wine and that I need to stop being gay and just live by myself. They would rather me be sad and alone than with someone I love. They told me that I was wrong and that I don't deserve to be in the religion. This was the last nail in the coffin. 

I hadn't self-harmed since my grandmother was close to dying and I have never used a knife. I went to my kitchen and grabbed one of my kitchen knives. I cut my legs. I cut really deep in one spot that took a long time to heal. I cried and cried over how much I felt unloved, by my old bf, my religion, and God. I just felt like giving up and I wanted to end it all. After I cut and calmed down I cleaned myself and went to bed. 

That Thursday I had therapy and talked about what happened. He suggested holding ice or using a rubber band to stop the feelings of self-harm. I expressed that the release from self-harming was never this intense that I wanted to keep doing it. It just made me feel better - I didn't want to stop. But he talked me down and I was feeling better.

The next Sunday came and I got some bad news. I have been seeing a doctor for my weight. Ever since I got a new medication I have been gaining weight so I decided to see a doctor about it. The thing is my insurance doesn't cover my weight loss medication. That was fine because I had backup insurance that would. But I got a bill for the doctor's appointment and I had no way of figuring out why I was being charged. This caused so much anxiety because I wouldn't be able to afford the appointments and I really needed them. I tried to get over the anxiety with the help of my family but I just couldn't I ended up crying in bed for hours. I couldn't stop. I wanted to kill myself I wanted to die and be released from all the anxiety and pain. I was also dreading my next day of work as I haven't been enjoying my new job. I did the only thing that helped was that I got onto a text suicide line. I was able to be talked down after about an hour and help from the line and my boyfriend. That night before bed I took a bath but ended up scratching myself to the point of rash because I was still so pent up. I just couldn't stop myself.

It's been better but I still scratch and hurt myself a little bit here and there. Like this Monday I scratched my arm a little bit because I still felt so hurt. I have been having suicidal thoughts throughout the day but work has been keeping me busy enough to not focus on them. I also don't want to go to a hospital to get help because I would lose my job and I don't have the time to take off. 

I know this story is messed up and sad, but know I will do better and if you are suffering from self-harm or thoughts of suicide you can always talk with me. I may be going through this myself but I am a trained social worker and will not make you pay to get help when you need it. Please know there are people to talk with you and they won't send you away. If you need help reach out no one will be bothered and it's better than suffering alone. I know what it feels like to suffer alone, scared, and crying. Talk to anyone someone, even just a text line -- it's better than hurting yourself or dying. You may not feel loved but I promise you are even if it's just your pet fish or that one tree outside -- you are loved. 

Take Time for Yourself - Self Care,

Pannyboi41