Its been rough

TW!!!-Self Harm and Suicide 

Hi there, my friends.,

So I don't like to talk about hard things on this blog mostly because this was supposed to be something fun and enjoyable for both me and my daddy to create together. But these past 2 weeks have been really hard for me so I am going to take this time and space to talk about how I have been feeling. Please know this won't happen often but I think I really need to get some things down into words.

Two weeks ago I got a Facebook friend invite. I didn't recognize the person but I did recognize the second person in the picture. It was my old boyfriend, my first boyfriend, and my love for almost 5+ years. We were planning on getting married but we broke up because I started presenting more masculine. He stated that I needed time to "find myself". We promised to get back together and get married after both of us spent some time apart. Anyway, this girl had his last name and three children with him. They were married. That was supposed to be me. I don't think he thinks about me at all, I think about him every day. I don't do it to hurt myself it just happens. He was also my first daddy and the one to show me the CG/L community.  It was harmful to see his new wife and I ended up messaging her telling her that I think it is inappropriate for us to be friends. She stated she didn't mean to friend me and that was the end. It hurt it burned my insides and I didn't eat or do anything all day, it hurt. 

The next day I was on Reddit. I posted a question on the Catholic subreddit. In that post, I stated that I was dating a man and that I am also a man. This sent people into a tissy to the point people told me to leave the religion (I was born and raised Catholic). They said I was living in sin and should receive the holy bread and wine and that I need to stop being gay and just live by myself. They would rather me be sad and alone than with someone I love. They told me that I was wrong and that I don't deserve to be in the religion. This was the last nail in the coffin. 

I hadn't self-harmed since my grandmother was close to dying and I have never used a knife. I went to my kitchen and grabbed one of my kitchen knives. I cut my legs. I cut really deep in one spot that took a long time to heal. I cried and cried over how much I felt unloved, by my old bf, my religion, and God. I just felt like giving up and I wanted to end it all. After I cut and calmed down I cleaned myself and went to bed. 

That Thursday I had therapy and talked about what happened. He suggested holding ice or using a rubber band to stop the feelings of self-harm. I expressed that the release from self-harming was never this intense that I wanted to keep doing it. It just made me feel better - I didn't want to stop. But he talked me down and I was feeling better.

The next Sunday came and I got some bad news. I have been seeing a doctor for my weight. Ever since I got a new medication I have been gaining weight so I decided to see a doctor about it. The thing is my insurance doesn't cover my weight loss medication. That was fine because I had backup insurance that would. But I got a bill for the doctor's appointment and I had no way of figuring out why I was being charged. This caused so much anxiety because I wouldn't be able to afford the appointments and I really needed them. I tried to get over the anxiety with the help of my family but I just couldn't I ended up crying in bed for hours. I couldn't stop. I wanted to kill myself I wanted to die and be released from all the anxiety and pain. I was also dreading my next day of work as I haven't been enjoying my new job. I did the only thing that helped was that I got onto a text suicide line. I was able to be talked down after about an hour and help from the line and my boyfriend. That night before bed I took a bath but ended up scratching myself to the point of rash because I was still so pent up. I just couldn't stop myself.

It's been better but I still scratch and hurt myself a little bit here and there. Like this Monday I scratched my arm a little bit because I still felt so hurt. I have been having suicidal thoughts throughout the day but work has been keeping me busy enough to not focus on them. I also don't want to go to a hospital to get help because I would lose my job and I don't have the time to take off. 

I know this story is messed up and sad, but know I will do better and if you are suffering from self-harm or thoughts of suicide you can always talk with me. I may be going through this myself but I am a trained social worker and will not make you pay to get help when you need it. Please know there are people to talk with you and they won't send you away. If you need help reach out no one will be bothered and it's better than suffering alone. I know what it feels like to suffer alone, scared, and crying. Talk to anyone someone, even just a text line -- it's better than hurting yourself or dying. You may not feel loved but I promise you are even if it's just your pet fish or that one tree outside -- you are loved. 

Take Time for Yourself - Self Care,

Pannyboi41

Keeping a Little Healthy

Hello and Welcome!

So this week was full of a lot of ways I had to keep myself healthy so I decided to blog about it and help all those CGs care for their little to the best of their abilities. 

• make sure they go to their appointments - even though we all hate the doctor they are very important and we need to make sure those little ones are doing well physically
• share healthy food and recipes - for the little in an LDR my daddy cant make me food so he shares yummy recipes to make sure I am eating well
• make sure they get to sleep - don't keep them up too late if possible I know it can be heard with LDR but sleep is an important part of a littles health
• exercise! - even if it's just for a few minutes getting that heart rate up makes every little better
• read and learn - keep that brain working and learn something new or go to a wonderful world through a book
• go to therapy - we can all use it (yes even me!) even CGs
• journal - it's a great way of staying mentally fit and relax after a long day
• food log - I keep one and my CG loves it because he gets to see what I eat during the day and it helps me on my weight loss journey
• give treats - everyone deserves something special 
• keep their spending in check - don't be too controlling but sometimes we littles get a little stuffie crazy at the store so make sure we don't spend too much (especially for use with rent) 
• help them get spiritual -  this isn't for everyone but go to church with your little or do some Wicca magic with them whatever they get their spirituality on
• help them at work - I know it sounds hard but maybe send them cute messages throughout the day or give them a little stuffie to keep at their desk anyway to brighten the workday
• let them have friends - I know it can be hard you want that little all to yourself but having friends is really important and make sure you are a good friend and not just a CG
• make sure their environment is right - this makes a happy little, keep it safe and cozy

Taking care of a little can be hard but making sure they are happy can come from a simple text or a hug after a hard day. This list is just a short grouping of things that helps a little have the best life they can have, just remember to follow the wellness wheel.

Caring and Cuddles,

Pannyboi41

New Home

 Hi all,

So I finally moved into my new place and I'm super excited to start my new life here in a new city, in a new apartment, and a new job. So as a little living alone can be a scary thing so here is a list of ways of making a single apartment more little friendly. 

• make the room cozy and comfy - add stuffies and pillows these really help make it a little room
• dress up that room - add toys and other little gear to make sure no matter what part of the bedroom you are in you can reach for a little something
• put up little art and wall decor - I love hanging up my colorings and drawings this really makes the room feel like my own
• keep blankets in the living room -  you never know when there might be a chill or you need a place to play 
• get a big cozy chair - you may not be able to sit on your CG's lap but at least a cozy chair can keep you company
• keep little books handy - I know when my CG is working late having little books available makes going to bed easier
• make sure to have little snacks handy - now that I have my own kitchen I can fill it with little snacks and treats for when I am a good baby
• keep your little things out like movies and toys - not that you have your own space you can be free to play and watch what you like 
• showcase your tub toys and bubble bath - make the bathroom a cozy little place

I love having my own place just for the fact that I can keep all my little stuff all over the place. I hope that one day you don't have to hide your little self anymore.

Be YourSelf,

Pannyboi41

 

A Beach Day

 Hello there my friends!

Sorry for the hold-up :( I have been moving into my new apartment and it has been a crazy crazy few weeks. Anyway, I wanted to come back with a cute one so here we go - a day at the beach. 

• bring yummy food - always a great way to keep the day going! From sandwiches to fruit to even some ice cream you need to keep your energy up while playing at the beach
• freshwater - need to stay hydrated in the hot sun
• sand toys - always a fun addition to the sandy texture of the beach and great for finding little critters in the tide pools
• boogie boards - I love playing in the waves and these are a great fun way of getting into the water
• kite - I always loved those a kid! It was always the last thing I did a great way to end the day
• umbrella - keep your baby safe from the hot sun 
• blanket - a fun play area and good for naps
• towels - got to stay dry!
• cute hat - another way to keep the sun at bay 
• sunscreen - an absolute must, babies tend to burn quick
• water toys - like balls or frisbee can also be played in the sand
• flip-flops and cover-ups - other ways of staying cozy in the sun and sand

I love heading to the beach on a hot day and playing with my daddy. Hopefully, this list reminds you of the fun in the sun and surf. 

Sun and Sand,

Pannyboi41

Hobbies for Littles

 Hi there,

So I was super bored this week so I wanted to start a new hobby! I decided that I should write a list of all the great hobbies a little can do that makes them feel little and that they would enjoy on the regular. 

• collecting and reading books
• great because reading is a fun activity but you can collect old children's books and no one would suspect anything if the books are old enough
• I collect manga but many of them are children's books and no one knows
• art
• any kind doesn't matter as long as it makes you happy and if you call it art no one asks why you are playing with clay
• I love coloring and drawing weird manga like stuff
• learn a language 
• this can be really challenging but the best way to start is with children's books, activities and videos 
• I'm currently learning ASL and I'm using baby videos to learn 
• Journaling 
• little journals (I have written about these before)
• I keep mine and try to do a part at least once a month if not more
• Blogging
• super fun and can be about anything even a blog on a new hobby
• as you can see I write a blog and I love writing about being a little
• Post on Instagram 
• just be really careful there are creepy people out there
• I have an instagram that I post about myself and my blog and other writing and things I enjoy
• Write
• this can be about anything write a fan fic like I do!
• I love writing even though I am super bad at it but I am working on a novel based off a fan fic I wrote hopefully I finish it
• Learn and instrument 
• this can be harder for a little but it still can be a fun activity to keep you busy
• I am trying once again to learn the guitar I hope I get to play at least one song one day
• Find a pen pal
• great for littles that are long distance your CG can be your pen pal or find one online but be very careful
• I have one in Hawaii and she is super cool
• Learn a card game
• like MTG or Vanguard some can even be played online 
• I used to paly Magic and it was really fun

So here is a short list of some of the fun things you can do. Check out my other posts for more ideas to keep busy!

Fun and Games,

Pannyboi41

A New Thing (NSFW)

 UWU,

So before I start I need to say ask your CG before you read on its very important because this is a very naughty post. 

So while my daddy was at my house last we went to a naughty store. It was really cool they had like everything. My daddy almost bought me a puppyhood and collar but we had our eye set on one particular item daddy wanted to buy me a strap-on and a new dildo that was realistic. We found a really nice strap-on and a dildo that was 6 inches with realistic balls and shaft. It was so pretty (maybe a weird word). 

When we got home I was super excited to try it so daddy had me strip and he helped me put on the strap. Then my daddy did something really naughty. I used his mouth on me. It felt so good. I pulled his hair a little and moved my hips with his mouth. It was amazing to watch and turned me on so so much. He made these sounds that I could only describe as choking but in a super sexy way (?). It was truly nothing I have ever experienced before. I have had other partners and I have used straps with them that were realistic but for some reason, this was unlike any time before. I felt such a connection with him and I felt like the strap-on was really me. I felt like the manliest man in the world, even when I was making the most femme sounds. After some time I had to touch myself and I came the most I have in a long time. I felt like I came like a man even though I was touching my clit. Truly it was a life-changing moment I felt like a man a real man, not a trans boy wearing a strap. 

The next day we did something similar the next day and I didn't feel as manly but it still was amazing. I just it was truly something I never expected when we bought the strap-on and dildo. I knew it was going to be fun but I never realized that it could take my doughts and throw them to the side. 

Anyway...

I hope those trans and cis littles find moments that feel this good because everyone deserves this even if it's not a sexual moment, just a moment that makes you feel who you really are.  

Naughty and Boyish,

Pannyboi41

Ideas for your Journal

 Hi,

Sorry, I missed last week but I didn't have internet for a few days and I have been having a hard time lately as I had to stop therapy because they would accept my insurance anymore and I started my new job so I really don't have time to go anymore. ANYWAY, because I don't get to go to therapy anymore I decided to start journaling more. I did it a little when I was in therapy but now I am doing it once a week at least. So I wanted to create a list of topics I can write about and I thought I would share it here. 

• what are you most in love with?
• what makes you smile and laugh?
• what do you hate and what can you do to change those feelings?
• if you could write a letter to anyone who would it be and what would you say?
• who is your hero?
• what makes you a hero?
• if you could do anything for a job what would it be?
• what would you tell the void/god/universe if you could?
• what makes you feel little and big?
• thank your body for being it
• streams of thought -- just right what you think
• describe your best day
• make a list of all the things you want to do big or small
• write a letter to your childhood best friend 
• how would you take care of a puppy/cat/fish

This list is super short but I just wanted to get the wheels turning and to make you think of a few things. If you want add to this list and keep going. This is for sure something I will bring up later to be aware :3

Kindness and Caring,

Pannyboi41